saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She's the barista slut.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
