she takes plan B like it's going out of style
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
