what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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