I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
