Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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