The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
