So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
