Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
