The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
