Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
