Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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