just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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