Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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