you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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