Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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