I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
