my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize