3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
