Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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