Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
