i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
