My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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