Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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