How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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