my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
