Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
