oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i now understand why vodka
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
