Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
