His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
