i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
