period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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