I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
