Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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