He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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