cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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