I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
