Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize