I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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