Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
