Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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