I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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