sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
