I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
