You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
PANTIES FOUND
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
