its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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