I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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