my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
