i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
two words: eviction party
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
