my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
