I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
