jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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