I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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