I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
