obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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