I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
