I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
