Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
