From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
