I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
