dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
