he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize