i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Don't tell me you're on acid again
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
